I Want to be a Homemaker

Moms are awesome. All kinds of moms. Love your kids more than you love sleeping? Yep, you're awesome.

Young Housewife by Alexey Tyranov--
Oh, that we could all rock a lady turban.

Okay. I want to be a stay at home mom. I'm not harshing on whatever kind of mom you want to be. I'm not going to say that I know better than you do about what you and God feel is right for your life --because that is crazy.  I'm just supportive of staying home when it works for you. And, being a stay-at-home, although I know that there are millions of women like me, I still feel a little...defensive about it. So there you go, no matter what kind of mom you are, you think--at least some of the time--that other people are judging you and finding your choices wanting. 

I am not a 1950's housewife. If anything I'm a 1750's housewife...or at least I'm working towards it. Let me give you a history lesson about "traditional" female responsibilities. Women were expected to feed their families. Men paid the rent, taxes, tuition, and sundry supply bills--whatever they needed cash for. Men farmed market crops, but women tended the family garden and animals. Women grew the carrots and celery, tended and butchered the chickens, hauled the water, and cooked the soup it all went in. They were expected to teach the basics of reading and math to their children, young boys and girls (because good Puritans believed that women should be able to read the bible for themselves).  They knew and prepared herbal remedies (of questionable potency, but it was almost the best medical knowledge available at the time) to combat the zillion ailments that attacked their children. Women of any kind of status were extremely well read in the classics--like knew on sight who people like Lysander, Calliope, Hygeia, etc. were and made allusions to them in their day-to-day lives (well, their letters anyway).  

So please, let's stop talking about how "limited" the traditional women's sphere is. I mean really let's keep reading past verse 10 please when someone brings up Proverbs 31: "An excellent wife her price is far above rubies... she works with eager hands. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously;   her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night."

The combination of 1950's consumerism and pedantic feminists (the bad kind) have eroded the awesome that is real homemaking-- describing a completely fabricated "traditional" woman.  Staying at home can be so much more than providing daycare. It's not being harried by small children during the day and then self-medicating on romance novels at night. Staying home can change the world. Really. Not in the "neck that turns the head" kind of change the world. I'm not saying that I'll raise the kind of boy that will change the world *eye roll*. I'm saying that a million women who take time to mend instead of toss, to make your own home and happiness instead of purchasing someone else's marketing genius, and to read deeply and teach their kids in the everyday moments of life--to be informed for your own self. And a million other tiny habits that staying home to make a home affords--that can change the world. 

Abigail Adams was a boss.

Because this isn't 1750. We are just as capable but we've got the vote. We have college degrees. We've got microwaves. Seriously, think about what Abigail Adams could've done with a microwave and an oven that preheats itself.  

She would change the world. 

New Moms, It's okay. I know you don't know.

Maybe not for everyone but at least for me, being a mom is constantly feeling like saying "I don't know what I'm doing." It's feeling a bit like an actor. It's improv-ing your way through your day. Did I need to cut those peas in half? Does he need a sweater? Wait, is he hot? Crap, he's not wearing socks. 

When I walk around the grocery store and people smile at my baby I still feel awkward. Sometimes I'm thinking, "I know. I look like I know what I'm doing loading up graham crackers in my cart, but you have no idea. I can't get my baby to nap for more than 20 minutes on his own." Which is odd, because who said that how your baby sleeps is a defining characteristic of how good a parent you are? Oh right, Healthy Sleep Habits did. Like somehow you failing to have your baby always sleep in the crib by himself is the same as handing him a knife and putting on a blindfold. (I know everyone loves that book. And yes, it did help me figure out when a good bedtime was and some other good tips. But it also seeded my head with bone-crushing doubt about what my baby should be and definitely wasn't. ) I don't know why my baby's napping (but not night-time sleeping) body knows that I've left his side and immediately wakes up. Maybe I held him too much when he was new. But that's exactly what I'm talking about: New moms have no idea what we're doing.  And yeah, I held my baby all the time for the first four months. Like the majority of the day. And I actually think that's okay.

When it comes down to it, I think I'm a good mom. I love the snot out of my baby. I try not to get too hung up on what's not working so that I actually enjoy him. And I read a lot. I read stupid parenting community forums and PubMed papers on food allergies. I follow Montessori in the home blogs, and ask my pediatrician an obnoxious amount of questions. I desperately want to be good at this, but no one know exactly what that looks like. I'm seat of my pantsing my way through this and really, I think that is perfectly alright. And as time passes, my baby is just getting awesomer, so I'm obviously not doing anything too detrimental. 

So now that I've put the horse in front of the cart. The first three weeks after getting home from the hospital: 

They were terrifying. I was scared to give dinobaby a bath. I had no idea when he was hungry. I was so hyper-aware of his breathing that I had to move him out of my room in order to sleep.  I was magically just shy of 3 lbs skinnier than my full-term pregnant self, and definitely still rocked the maternity clothes for...a while... after I was most assuredly post-partum.  

So if I could give any pregnant lady some advice it would be this:

• Having your mom live with you for the first few weeks will save your life.  
• Because your baby will cry inconsolably sometime and either A) her Grandma Magic will calm the hysterical infant or B)she won't be able to make him stop crying but she will be able to pronounce with reassuring expertise that you are not killing your baby. 
• No baby, regardless of how new needs to eat every 40 minutes
• It's probably closer to 2 hours. So if he's still crying it's something else. I'm going to vote for tired because babies sleep way more than you think should be possible....Like 3 hours of being awake is like pulling an all-nighter for your baby. 
• Also, you are 100% validated by me, Dinolady, for refusing to be a pacifier. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you a good mom, because when your baby actually needs milk from you, you won't be so sharp-aching-pain sore that you can't feed him. 
• Do the minimum requirement for sleep
• I'm not going to prescribe to you what that is because your baby is different than every baby that has ever been born. I'm just suggesting that your baby probably doesn't need to sleep on your lap...at least not every night. So don't just assume because he needed it the night before that he'll need it again. Just put him in the crib and cross your fingers. 
• Your baby went through some really impressive physical stuff to be born, so you're not gonna hurt him when you change his clothes
• Same goes for burping. You're not accomplishing anything by wafting at your baby's back. You've got to thump those bubbles out, friend
• You are super awesome and capable. 
• Seriously. You're body is making stuff to feed your baby. And your body made that baby. Literally every calorie that small body has ever used has come from you. So you are already really awesome. Even though you feel like you were significantly more attractive during those awkward middle school years than you do now. You are amazing. Your body is AMAZING. And you'll figure it out. There are no good guides to baby-rearing because your baby is also amazing and uniquely so. So maybe your baby only wants one arm swaddled but not the other. Maybe he likes the jiggle-bounce, but not the bounce-jiggle. 
• Just keep your head above water, and it really does get better. Your baby will figure out how to eat food with out spitting it up all over you and how sleep on his own. And then one day you'll be holding him on your lap and he will all out hug your arm in an unsolicited show of pre-verbal affection, and smile at you with adoring eyes. You're doing just fine. 

And expectant dads:

• No woman ever needs to be woken up because the baby is crying
• She has bionic hearing. She could hear the baby crying from Argentina. But she hasn't gotten up because she's saying a blasphemous prayer to your baby in her head. It goes something like this "Please just fall back asleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. You're not hungry. Please. " So Awesome Dad, I want you to get out of bed. Pick up hysterical baby that still makes you mildly uncomfortable to hold because he's so tiny and you don't want to hurt him. Flail your arm around in the bassinet until you bump into the  pacifier and put it in the crying opening. Then do the jiggle dance and "shush" like you're trying to lift-off. (Literally, shush as loudly as possible). Give it five minutes.  You can do it. If the baby is still freaking out, hand him lovingly to your wife to feed and kiss her on the forehead. But your wife has probably already gotten out of bed at that point anyway.
• I know you're thinking that what difference does it make if the baby is hungry and there's nothing you can do. But, the baby isn't always hungry. And your wife will love it. 
• You are super awesome and capable. 
• Did you know that your masculine body chemistry changes the more time you spend with a baby? Your hormones are colluding to make you into a better caregiver. So don't stress. You'll get better at it, and you're already better than you think you are. 

At what age, or ever, did you feel like you knew what you were doing with your kids? Anything you wish you knew before you had kids? 

What scares you most about having a baby? 

10 Months

Still cute

Double digits, Wow!

Fine Motor: Every baby has their own growth curves--some speak before others, etc. But Holy cow, Leopleuradon is super good at the small hand motions. He now feeds himself 70% of the time and can handily manage slippery banana chunks, tiny wet kernels of corn, and odd shaped spiruli pasta pieces.

 He can separate lego blocks, and remove a dowel from a tube as well as a wooden egg from a cup. He tries but can't get the blocks together or put the pieces back in to their slots yet. He also gets a kick out of pushing and pulling doors open. Since we live in an old, not-level house, all of the doors hang slightly ajar at the bottom. Leo is impressively good at pulling on the exposed milimeter of door to swing the door out. He also palms things now, which is really cute.

He is often very cat-like in how be plays. He swats at everything, laundry I'm folding, lampshades, toilet paper rolls. Here's a video of the last one. Yep, I know. So stinkin' cute!

Gross Motor: Dinobaby crawls like an ace. However, he also crawls super weirdly. He keeps both feet off of the floor somehow and shakes his booty as he books it across the room. He also creeps/cruises along the sofa, along the wall, from the top of the side-table to a set of drawers. Pretty awesome. He stands for almost 30 seconds unsupported but only when he's distracted. He immediately squats when he realizes he's not holding on to anything. He's also learning how to fall, and is more or less successful.

Standing still at the playground has never been more fascinating 

Language: Leo can sign "more" and "all done" but not consistently. He talks to himself now (cute) and sings (super cute). Albeit, "singing" is probably just really high pitched cooing but whatever.  He also makes happy growls in the morning when we've put him bed with us after he wakes up trying to get us to open our eyes and play with him. Here's Leo talking to himself as he plays with an empty salt shaker.

Oh, I forgot to mention--there are FOUR TEETH coming in on top, so yeah, he's super drool-y. 

Food: Man, the kid really likes food. And he eats almost everything now. Oh, right, and he can drink from his own glass now! However, that also means you have to change his shirt when he's done, so I usually help him still.  So yeah, video #3--Dinobaby drinking all on his own

Size: Just in case y'all are curious he's 58% in height and 74% in weight. He wears 12 month clothes.

Although I wrote many of the posts I said I would last month, I didn't get to all of them. So I shall refrain from promises of posts this time around.

And, I'm sorry this is a little past due, but hey there was the last Wheel of Time book to read. ;)

The Why of No TV

So I've been hesitating to post this...First off, let me say that I'm not into mom-shaming. Just love your kids and try your absolute hardest to ensure that they know that you love them. That's it. Statistically, that's the most influential and important aspect of mothering. Congratulations! that should more or less come naturally if your mother was an involved parent. And, it will come more or less naturally to your children as a result of your excellent mothering as well. You are awesome, and you're doing better at this mom-thing than you think you are.  Also bear in mind that most of these studies on television are in unfortunately "average", not so stellar homes where the television isn't usually turned to Sesame Street, but Cops or CSI: whatever, all day every day. 

Okay, so I'm a nerd, and I'd also like to think I treat this mom gig as a profession, so here's the data on television:

• A typical child in the U.S. watches 28 hours of TV weekly, seeing as many as 8,000 murders by the time he or she finishes elementary school at age 11, and worse, the killers are depicted as getting away with the murders 75% of the time while showing no remorse or accountability. (American Psychological Association, February 19, 2004)

• The average US child is exposed to 232.2 minutes of background television in a typical day. ("Background Television" published in Pediatrics) --Background television has been correlated to decreases in the amount of time a child spends exploring and engaging with environment, and the length of time a child focuses on a single task, i.e. the development of an attention span. 

• By Age 4, each hour of television watched daily correlates to a 9 percent leap in bullying behavior when they reach school. ( Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina, page 146)

• Children do not obtain Moral Realism until age 8. Meaning that while children understand prosocial behavior (being nice to your neighbor, not inflicting harm, sharing so that others will share with you....forgive the comparison, but essentially children are socially on par with dogs or apes, if not ever-so-slightly more ethical).  But they don't really get beyond black-and-white decision making, and being good in difficult situations solely because they fear punishment until they are older. (see Developmentally Appropriate Practices by Carol Gestwicki, pg 295)

So seeing situations where the bad guy gets away with it before age 8 is bad news bob for a child's behavior. And comedic violence is also especially negative for young children, even the goofy Three Stooges or Tom and Jerry type, because for small kids consequences are still being established. Showing someone get hit by a hammer and not suffer lasting harm means that they're learning that a hammer doesn't really hurt. And kids are hardwired to model what they see; viewing violence makes kids more violent (e.g. the famous Bobo Doll Experiment). 

Not good. 

Kid beating the snot out of Bobo

And that's not even addressing the racial, gender, class, and body type skewing of the people portrayed on television. 

Beyond the outright negatives, mostly TV takes away time for better things. Sesame Street was designed for low income, at-risk kids and it works. Kids actually pick up reading and math skills from watching. Mr. Roger's Neighborhood has been shown to help high-stress kids manage the negative aspects of their home life. ...but it's not anywhere as good as having someone respond to you, to talk about your feelings face-to-face, to point out the mouse on every page of Good Night Moon, to count the number of carrots on the plate. Educational TV is fine, but hands-on exploring is better. 

Children develop so miraculously fast. And they develop best when all of that growth is inter-related. Montessori said something along the lines of "if you want to give it to the mind, you must first give it to the hand." Babies use their bodies to learn--to feel, to taste, to bang. Education that lets babies explore objects and concepts with their fingers (and usually mouths) is absorbed more readily and naturally. I also think society is getting a little too virtual--and I want to stress to my son that that's not what I value. I value my real life: the remarkable creatures that live around our house, the beautiful trees, our home, our friends, our family.(Here's a pretty cool sermon on seeing "things as they really are" in the digital age-- if you feel so inclined.)

So...I don't own a television.And while I'm not prefect at it, I try to more or less abide by the rule that when Dinobaby is awake the computer screen is off. But, not always. Sometimes we watch some pretty sweet music videos on youtube--I just try to keep the flashing and cut-scenes to a minimum. 

I also have a husband with a flexible schedule, so I don't need the TV to take a shower or a nap when I need it. Heaven knows the TV is a blessing for a Momma at the end of her rope. So no judgments here. Do what you have to do to keep sane, and keep your patience. I'm just explaining my rationale for setting my "No TV until Two" goal. Have a great day y'all.