New Moms, It's okay. I know you don't know.

Maybe not for everyone but at least for me, being a mom is constantly feeling like saying "I don't know what I'm doing." It's feeling a bit like an actor. It's improv-ing your way through your day. Did I need to cut those peas in half? Does he need a sweater? Wait, is he hot? Crap, he's not wearing socks. 

When I walk around the grocery store and people smile at my baby I still feel awkward. Sometimes I'm thinking, "I know. I look like I know what I'm doing loading up graham crackers in my cart, but you have no idea. I can't get my baby to nap for more than 20 minutes on his own." Which is odd, because who said that how your baby sleeps is a defining characteristic of how good a parent you are? Oh right, Healthy Sleep Habits did. Like somehow you failing to have your baby always sleep in the crib by himself is the same as handing him a knife and putting on a blindfold. (I know everyone loves that book. And yes, it did help me figure out when a good bedtime was and some other good tips. But it also seeded my head with bone-crushing doubt about what my baby should be and definitely wasn't. ) I don't know why my baby's napping (but not night-time sleeping) body knows that I've left his side and immediately wakes up. Maybe I held him too much when he was new. But that's exactly what I'm talking about: New moms have no idea what we're doing.  And yeah, I held my baby all the time for the first four months. Like the majority of the day. And I actually think that's okay.

When it comes down to it, I think I'm a good mom. I love the snot out of my baby. I try not to get too hung up on what's not working so that I actually enjoy him. And I read a lot. I read stupid parenting community forums and PubMed papers on food allergies. I follow Montessori in the home blogs, and ask my pediatrician an obnoxious amount of questions. I desperately want to be good at this, but no one know exactly what that looks like. I'm seat of my pantsing my way through this and really, I think that is perfectly alright. And as time passes, my baby is just getting awesomer, so I'm obviously not doing anything too detrimental. 

So now that I've put the horse in front of the cart. The first three weeks after getting home from the hospital: 

They were terrifying. I was scared to give dinobaby a bath. I had no idea when he was hungry. I was so hyper-aware of his breathing that I had to move him out of my room in order to sleep.  I was magically just shy of 3 lbs skinnier than my full-term pregnant self, and definitely still rocked the maternity clothes for...a while... after I was most assuredly post-partum.  

So if I could give any pregnant lady some advice it would be this:

• Having your mom live with you for the first few weeks will save your life.  
• Because your baby will cry inconsolably sometime and either A) her Grandma Magic will calm the hysterical infant or B)she won't be able to make him stop crying but she will be able to pronounce with reassuring expertise that you are not killing your baby. 
• No baby, regardless of how new needs to eat every 40 minutes
• It's probably closer to 2 hours. So if he's still crying it's something else. I'm going to vote for tired because babies sleep way more than you think should be possible....Like 3 hours of being awake is like pulling an all-nighter for your baby. 
• Also, you are 100% validated by me, Dinolady, for refusing to be a pacifier. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you a good mom, because when your baby actually needs milk from you, you won't be so sharp-aching-pain sore that you can't feed him. 
• Do the minimum requirement for sleep
• I'm not going to prescribe to you what that is because your baby is different than every baby that has ever been born. I'm just suggesting that your baby probably doesn't need to sleep on your lap...at least not every night. So don't just assume because he needed it the night before that he'll need it again. Just put him in the crib and cross your fingers. 
• Your baby went through some really impressive physical stuff to be born, so you're not gonna hurt him when you change his clothes
• Same goes for burping. You're not accomplishing anything by wafting at your baby's back. You've got to thump those bubbles out, friend
• You are super awesome and capable. 
• Seriously. You're body is making stuff to feed your baby. And your body made that baby. Literally every calorie that small body has ever used has come from you. So you are already really awesome. Even though you feel like you were significantly more attractive during those awkward middle school years than you do now. You are amazing. Your body is AMAZING. And you'll figure it out. There are no good guides to baby-rearing because your baby is also amazing and uniquely so. So maybe your baby only wants one arm swaddled but not the other. Maybe he likes the jiggle-bounce, but not the bounce-jiggle. 
• Just keep your head above water, and it really does get better. Your baby will figure out how to eat food with out spitting it up all over you and how sleep on his own. And then one day you'll be holding him on your lap and he will all out hug your arm in an unsolicited show of pre-verbal affection, and smile at you with adoring eyes. You're doing just fine. 

And expectant dads:

• No woman ever needs to be woken up because the baby is crying
• She has bionic hearing. She could hear the baby crying from Argentina. But she hasn't gotten up because she's saying a blasphemous prayer to your baby in her head. It goes something like this "Please just fall back asleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. You're not hungry. Please. " So Awesome Dad, I want you to get out of bed. Pick up hysterical baby that still makes you mildly uncomfortable to hold because he's so tiny and you don't want to hurt him. Flail your arm around in the bassinet until you bump into the  pacifier and put it in the crying opening. Then do the jiggle dance and "shush" like you're trying to lift-off. (Literally, shush as loudly as possible). Give it five minutes.  You can do it. If the baby is still freaking out, hand him lovingly to your wife to feed and kiss her on the forehead. But your wife has probably already gotten out of bed at that point anyway.
• I know you're thinking that what difference does it make if the baby is hungry and there's nothing you can do. But, the baby isn't always hungry. And your wife will love it. 
• You are super awesome and capable. 
• Did you know that your masculine body chemistry changes the more time you spend with a baby? Your hormones are colluding to make you into a better caregiver. So don't stress. You'll get better at it, and you're already better than you think you are. 

At what age, or ever, did you feel like you knew what you were doing with your kids? Anything you wish you knew before you had kids? 

What scares you most about having a baby?